[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
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*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people