friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
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“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
*cough*