From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
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Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
very niche meme I made
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
marvel comics have peaked
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich