Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
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[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”