13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
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I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
me
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life