I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
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Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
TEETH IS INNOCENT
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.