I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
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Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?