[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
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Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.