My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
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I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.