4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
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Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials