I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
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When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right