This dude got his own movie?
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I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”