My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
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I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??