I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
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If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
good for her
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”