My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
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As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.