Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
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Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Not today.. 😂
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.