A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
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What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
an airline just for babies.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris