Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
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Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
This meal prepping shit easy
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.