(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
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Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
True freaking story!
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
huge valentines day plans this year!!
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.