somebody come look at this
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I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?