My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
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If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.