before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
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Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.