“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
You Might Also Like
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister