Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
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I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Jogging has never helped my memory.
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.