My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
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Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
My apartment is a mess, I should move
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.