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Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.