We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
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What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
yes, those are my real potatoes.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me