What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
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My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.