ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
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There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
I wish I were this cool 😂
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Mistakes were made
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down