I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
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[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead