Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
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Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Got him!
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email