If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
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a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.