EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
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Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.