I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
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Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.