my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
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“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Pretty certain I can more drunk
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.