[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
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Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Clown: [reaching for his nose]
Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas