Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
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*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told