Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
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My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.