I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
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‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,