One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
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7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Every photo I’m tagged in
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?