Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
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landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
what could possibly go wrong?
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*