My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
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Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Body by Oreos
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.