honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
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INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole