When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
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Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Who did it better?
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.