6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
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I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.