Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
You Might Also Like
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X