I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
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I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza