This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
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It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
three things we don’t talk about
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Genius idea!!
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.