I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
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My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend