Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
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3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.